Um, I Didn't See Anything
by RavenFeathersOfDarkness
Summary: I know, everyone's gotta have a self-insert, but I couldn't resist. Find out what happens when I get turned into a penguin and sent to the Central Park Zoo! Reviews are welcome, and advice, this is my first self-insert after all.


**….Yes, it is I, the awesome RavenFeathersOfDarkness, who has just bounced back from a brief spot of depression after my last story got erased because of this stupid computer. Well, there's a chance the file was backed up, I'm not sure. But, in the meantime, this idea has been poking me in the back of my head for a while, so I might as well write it.**

**Yeah, so, this is gonna be a self-insert. I know, I know, _everyone's_ gotta have one, right? But everytime I think about a situation like this, I can't help but laugh. So, without further ado, here it is!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own, PoM, it's characters, or the CPZ. Actually I only own this version of my self, and any other OC's that I might put in here. So...yeah.**

** Chapter 1:**** If Life Gives You Orange Soda...Just Say No!**

In my 15 years of living, I've had a lot of weird, crazy, and stupid things happen to me—like falling out of a window, catching a lunar eclipse, and having a suspected look-alike walking around town, confusing me and the people around me. But this...this ranks pretty high up there.

All right, let's set the scene. It was a few weeks ago, and I was in the Big Apple, New York City. And I was kinda lost. You see, I have a habit of spacing out, getting lost in my own thoughts, and that often gets me in sticky situations. Sorta like a friend of mine, who'll be introduced later on.

By the time I snapped myself out of my intense brainstorming, I was looking up at an unfamiliar cafe. _Oh, well, _I thought, _I'd rather be lost and full than lost and starving!_

I walked in and found a table with a good window view. After looking at the menu, I decided on some french fries and a chicken sandwich. When the waiter came to take my order, something about the look in his dark gray eyes struck me as odd. Not the kind of guy I'd want to spend time around, that was the feeling I got.

I gave him my order and returned to staring at the menu. Checking my watch, I realized it was nearly nine. If I didn't call my friends to tell them where I was, they'd assume one of two things; one, I had gotten my head stuck in the clouds and wandered off(pretty spot-on); or two, something bad had happened to me(which was in my near future, although I didn't know it yet.).

I pulled out my phone and prepared to dial my friend's number when a glass was placed on my table. I looked up in confusion. Holding the glass was that same creepy waiter.

"Um, I never ordered a drink," I told him.

"On the house," he replied with a toothy grin.

I glanced around. Why hadn't I noticed that this cafe was pretty much empty?

I picked up the glass and examined it. It looked like...orange soda. Which happened to be my favorite kind. But I wasn't just about to accept a drink from a stranger that easily.

"..And why would it be on the house?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, the manager was watching you and thought you looked pretty lost, so he wanted to give you a drink. There's nothing wrong with that, is there?"

"Hmmm..." I analyzed the drink one more time. I was pretty thirsty, and a free soda was starting to sound pretty good to me. "Fine, then," I relented, taking a sip. "Tell the manager I said thank you-" Suddenly I was hit by a wave of sleepiness.

"What the..." I managed to get out, dropping my glass to the floor, where it shattered, spilling the tainted soda. " I tried to stand up, but I was racked by another wave of tiredness. It was all I could do not to pass out this minute. "What...was in...that...soda?" I gasped, leaning on the table.

"Don't worry, nothing's gonna happen to you...yet," the waiter said, smiling wickedly at me.

Oh, heck. I _knew_ there was something wrong with this guy! Spiking my drink, why didn't I see this coming?

But, unfortunately, my increasing anger was no match for the weakness that was continuing to hit me. "..Great. _Just _great," I mumbled before I finally surrendered to the bliss that was unconsciousness.

After what seemed like several hours, and a weird dream that I was flying a plane through an electrical storm, I opened my eyes. And promptly freaked out.

_I couldn't see. _Not like when I forget my glasses and everything gets blurry. I'm talking _black_ _nothingness_. And while I'm usually partial to the comfort of the shadows, given the situation I had just been in, it was only natural to nearly go insane, right?

I looked around frantically—and finally spotted a little circle of light peeking in through a crack in the top of the...wooden box I was in?

O-_kay_, that wasn't gonna fly. I can be a little bit claustrophobic at times, and now was definitely one of those times.

"Let me outta here!" I screamed, and began poundng against the box. "I know someone can hear me! Let me out!"

I paused when I heard voices on the other side. Leaning my ear against the door, I caught part of a conversation between a man and a woman.

"...A feisty one, isn't she?" the man said, chuckling. "Just listen to her go! She really wants out of that box."

"Well, she won't have to wait much longer, We're almost at the zoo," the woman replied.

...What?

"The zoo?" I wondered aloud. What were they doing taking me there? Was this that creepy waiter guy's doing? If so, he could have just _asked_ me if I wanted to go to the zoo. Oh, well. This _was _NYC, after all. You get all kinds.

I sighed and sat back, wondering what I was supposed to do now. My arm began to feel numb with the pain of beating against a plank of wood. I rubbed it hard, and that's when I noticed something funny. My arm felt oddly...how can I put this?...sleek? Not to mention thin. I'm skinny, but the way my arm felt now was nothing like that. I stuck my arm under the circle of light to inpect it, and screamed.

This wasn't my arm at all! It was long, and black, and shiny and...a flipper. My arm was a flipper.

I checked my other arm. Yup, for sure, I now had two flippers.

"...I've gotta be dreaming...there's no way..." I whispered helplessly. Then I realized that my voice sounded funny. Muted, almost. "Oh, _don't_ tell me..."

I raised my freaking-me-out-more-and-more-by-the-millisecond flippers and slowly brought them closer to my face until they hit something long, smooth, and definitely not my nose.

A beak. I had a freakin' beak now, too. This just got better and better. I looked down at my feet. I only had three toes, and they were webbed. Oh, yeah, and they were orange. I stood up to get a better look at my body. The front of me was covered with white feathers, while my back was black, like my flippers.

By now my mind was starting to connect the dots. _Okay...A creepy waiter gave me a spiked soda which caused me to pass out, and when I wake up I'm in a crate headed towards the zoo. To top it all off, I've just discovered that instead of the normal arms, legs, skin and facial features a human being _should_ have, I've got a beak, two flippers, orange feet, and black and while feathers. So either I'm __hallucinating, having the mother of all weird dreams, or somehow I've been turned into-_

"A penguin," I finished softly. "I really think I'm a penguin."

I blinked twice, and then laughed. It took a while before the weight of my realization hit me, and _that's_ when I passed out again.

**...You see, I'm laughing right now as I'm imagining this. ****Okay, some things I want to say before I sign outta here:**

**First, if you're wondering about the way I'm writing this, I'm literally writing whatever comes to me. I'm picturing myself in this situation, and what ever my thoughts would be, I write down. By now, you probably have come to the conclusion that I'm a few pencils short of an art set, right? Well, if you read my profile, I do kind of admit to that. I'm pretty strange, all right.**

**Second, I'm gonna be switching point of view, like every chapter. So next chapter, the PoM cast will be introduced to their new neighbor! I wonder how that's gonna go...**

**And thirdly, if you're wondering what my little human-turned-penguin character's name is, that will also be revealed in the next chapter.**

**All right, I'm done. Reviews are totally welcome, flame it up if you want, it's getting cold out here. Muhahahahaha!**


End file.
